Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Bollywood: as you like it and I see it

a.       It doesn’t matter if you are outnumbered by the goons attacking you, it doesn’t matter what arsenal they use, you will always emerge the stronger and the winner finally.

b.      Even when you have been knocked out of your senses in the boxing ring, you will somehow remember your mother’s words or the last vengeful words of your opponent and return back to your foot to punch the heavy-weight champion to his death.

c.       When you are with the heroine and she suffers a minor sprain, you are readily available to lift her (50+ kgs) in your Herculean arms and walk down the mountainous road even. Real men find it difficult to lift a 14 kg cylinder..Huh!

d.      No matter where you are when your lady is attacked, you practically emerge out of thin air to fight the perpetrator (omnipresent??)

e.       No matter how many girls he has slept with, the hero is always a good-hearted guy and deserves to be forgiven. The other way round is out of question. She must then be a vamp, not the heroine.

f.       In a moment’s notice you must be ready to dance around trees in forests, in the streets, atop stony mountains, in shopping malls to the disgust of the onlookers. Do not forget to carry a few changes of clothes; you will need to change your clothes for each frame, without a break in the dance and without the audience seeing you do so.

g.      Atleast one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

h.      A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

i.        Even when driving down a straight road, the steering wheel must be vigorously moved from right to left and back.

j.        Bricks, cans, drums, watermelons etc must be stacked/piled high up right in the middle of the street or by the roadside when the man/lady loses control, brakes fail or is chasing the bad guy.

Picture taken from www.bollywood10.blogspot.com

k.      Even when you are attacked unaware, you will always have a pistol hidden in your back-pocket to fire at the goons. Mostly, it will also be loaded. At times you will be able to fire more than the number of bullets it can hold. ;)

l.        The man/woman always knows how to dance, sing (even in heavy rain) and kick-box. Multitalented people!

m.    When the man is in trouble with the law, the lady always chips in to save him; she holds a degree in law, don’t you know? (never mind that we never saw her practice or even study, until now.)

n.      The people in the movies never go to office, they only go to colleges that look like Victorian castles wearing funky dresses, impress the other sex, get out of college to go to “foren” or return from “foren” to fall in love or marry. Even if they are businessman, they needn’t do any work. All their work is done for them by others; so they are free to sing, dance, romance and fight.

o.      Finally, some good news. The ladies are the healthiest lot in our country. They can dance about in skimpy clothes, including chiffon sarees even in Alaska! They have inbuilt immunity. But the men must be covered from top to toe, in jackets and heavy leather boots. They badly need some Dabur Chyawanpraash! Hic, hic.


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